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Saturday, April 23, 2011

When We Were Young

My mind has been spinning the last couple of weeks. I keep thinking about the choices I have made and the places it has taken me in my life. Why do I have the regrets I do? Is there anything I can do to relieve them and push them out? I have made peace with most of them but there are a couple stubborn ones that stick in there.

When I was young I felt like I could get anything out of life I wanted, go anywhere I wanted to go and be anything I wanted to be. I have lost that feeling over the years. I love my kids and my husband but I feel like I have lost myself in the mix somewhere. I think the restlessness I am currently experiencing is stemming from that. The need to be something other than a mother and a wife, a sister and a daughter. I feel like there is so much untapped potential in me that I will explode if I don't so something. Anything. I feel guilty that I have these feelings. At times it's almost as if half of me wants to run away. That is something I would never do but sometimes it feels like it takes all I have to stay in one spot.

I wish I could go back in time with the knowledge I have now and change a few things. But it's like the movie "The Butterfly Effect." What would happen if things didn't unfold the way they have? I am sure there is a bigger picture out there that I can't see. I try to put my trust in God's plan for me but sometimes it helps to have a hint of what that is. He keeps telling me to listen, follow and wait. To be patient because it's coming, whatever it is. I am just getting restless.

I also keep thinking about the things I want to say to certain people but don't. The feelings I have hidden and locked away in the forest of my heart. I keep running through the forest trying desperately to find that place inside that will offer some peace and tranquility. But no matter how fast I run I keep getting snagged by the twisted branches that keep growing and intertwining with each other. Each tree represents a choice made or something I have buried away and tried to forget. But that's the problem with a forest, you can cut it down but eventually it will grow back.

Someday it will make sense. I will find that place in the forest of my life that offers everything I want it to. Or maybe I will just have to trim the trees and learn to live in peace with it. I don't know where all of this is coming from but hopefully I will get some release some time soon before I explode. :)