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Thursday, August 22, 2013

One of "Those" Days

Today was one of "those" days. 
One of those days where you want to rip your hair out and scream and run away.
One of those days where you can't seem to hold your shit together.
One of those days if you hear "Mommy can you please (fill in the blank)?" one more fucking time you might just shoot yourself in the face.
One of those days when you think you must belong in an institution because no sane individual would do this to themselves.
One of those days you really understand the phrase "it takes a village to raise a child."
Do you know why they say that?
Because on "those" days when your mind can't take it anymore,
When you feel like someone is stabbing you in the eye and punching you in the stomach,
The village can step in. 
It can do it when you can't.
But there isn't a village here.
There is just one of those days where you feel like a failure.
One of those days where you feel embarrassed by your lack of control.
One of those days when it's all just a little too much.
And on those days you will sit in the dark after they go to bed and think "Yea, you could have handled that better."
And then berate yourself in the soul crushing silence for all of the things you did wrong. 
Twist your gut into a thousand knots over having one of those days.
Squeeze out tears of simultaneous relief and regret for the end of one of those days.
And when the calm dark settles over you and the spinning ball of chaos slows,
You will go into their room to make sure one of them didn't fall asleep with a blanket over their face or a teddy bear under their back.
You will gaze down at their angelic, sleeping faces and you will promise yourself. 
You won't have one of "those" days again. 
And live in fear that you probably will.