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Thursday, August 22, 2013

One of "Those" Days

Today was one of "those" days. 
One of those days where you want to rip your hair out and scream and run away.
One of those days where you can't seem to hold your shit together.
One of those days if you hear "Mommy can you please (fill in the blank)?" one more fucking time you might just shoot yourself in the face.
One of those days when you think you must belong in an institution because no sane individual would do this to themselves.
One of those days you really understand the phrase "it takes a village to raise a child."
Do you know why they say that?
Because on "those" days when your mind can't take it anymore,
When you feel like someone is stabbing you in the eye and punching you in the stomach,
The village can step in. 
It can do it when you can't.
But there isn't a village here.
There is just one of those days where you feel like a failure.
One of those days where you feel embarrassed by your lack of control.
One of those days when it's all just a little too much.
And on those days you will sit in the dark after they go to bed and think "Yea, you could have handled that better."
And then berate yourself in the soul crushing silence for all of the things you did wrong. 
Twist your gut into a thousand knots over having one of those days.
Squeeze out tears of simultaneous relief and regret for the end of one of those days.
And when the calm dark settles over you and the spinning ball of chaos slows,
You will go into their room to make sure one of them didn't fall asleep with a blanket over their face or a teddy bear under their back.
You will gaze down at their angelic, sleeping faces and you will promise yourself. 
You won't have one of "those" days again. 
And live in fear that you probably will. 

1 comment:

  1. Being a parent is the most important role in a women's life. It is a hard job and that is putting it lightly! I made A LOT of mistakes raising all of you, I wish a million times over that there was a pause button or a rewind or something so after I screwed up doing something to you , for you or saying something I shouldn't to you that I could take it back re-do it but that is not the case. Being a parent is trial and error and just every once in awhile we do get things right. Don't beat yourself up dear, life is about learning and about ups and downs. One day you will look back and say, hell I did my best and if that wasn't good enough then I am sorry . Your kids love you, even if you make mistakes, you guys all love me , at least I hope you do. And I am sure I made many many more things wrong then you ever have. YES I cried those tears too, I still do , especially when one of you reminds me of how I did make those mistakes. But just know your family loves you and always will.