One of "Those" Days

Today was one of "those" days. 
One of those days where you want to rip your hair out and scream and run away.
One of those days where you can't seem to hold your shit together.
One of those days if you hear "Mommy can you please (fill in the blank)?" one more fucking time you might just shoot yourself in the face.
One of those days when you think you must belong in an institution because no sane individual would do this to themselves.
One of those days you really understand the phrase "it takes a village to raise a child."
Do you know why they say that?
Because on "those" days when your mind can't take it anymore,
When you feel like someone is stabbing you in the eye and punching you in the stomach,
The village can step in. 
It can do it when you can't.
But there isn't a village here.
There is just one of those days where you feel like a failure.
One of those days where you feel embarrassed by your lack of control.
One of those days when it's all just a little too much.
And on those days you will sit in the dark after they go to bed and think "Yea, you could have handled that better."
And then berate yourself in the soul crushing silence for all of the things you did wrong. 
Twist your gut into a thousand knots over having one of those days.
Squeeze out tears of simultaneous relief and regret for the end of one of those days.
And when the calm dark settles over you and the spinning ball of chaos slows,
You will go into their room to make sure one of them didn't fall asleep with a blanket over their face or a teddy bear under their back.
You will gaze down at their angelic, sleeping faces and you will promise yourself. 
You won't have one of "those" days again. 
And live in fear that you probably will. 

When We Were Young

My mind has been spinning the last couple of weeks. I keep thinking about the choices I have made and the places it has taken me in my life. Why do I have the regrets I do? Is there anything I can do to relieve them and push them out? I have made peace with most of them but there are a couple stubborn ones that stick in there.

When I was young I felt like I could get anything out of life I wanted, go anywhere I wanted to go and be anything I wanted to be. I have lost that feeling over the years. I love my kids and my husband but I feel like I have lost myself in the mix somewhere. I think the restlessness I am currently experiencing is stemming from that. The need to be something other than a mother and a wife, a sister and a daughter. I feel like there is so much untapped potential in me that I will explode if I don't so something. Anything. I feel guilty that I have these feelings. At times it's almost as if half of me wants to run away. That is something I would never do but sometimes it feels like it takes all I have to stay in one spot.

I wish I could go back in time with the knowledge I have now and change a few things. But it's like the movie "The Butterfly Effect." What would happen if things didn't unfold the way they have? I am sure there is a bigger picture out there that I can't see. I try to put my trust in God's plan for me but sometimes it helps to have a hint of what that is. He keeps telling me to listen, follow and wait. To be patient because it's coming, whatever it is. I am just getting restless.

I also keep thinking about the things I want to say to certain people but don't. The feelings I have hidden and locked away in the forest of my heart. I keep running through the forest trying desperately to find that place inside that will offer some peace and tranquility. But no matter how fast I run I keep getting snagged by the twisted branches that keep growing and intertwining with each other. Each tree represents a choice made or something I have buried away and tried to forget. But that's the problem with a forest, you can cut it down but eventually it will grow back.

Someday it will make sense. I will find that place in the forest of my life that offers everything I want it to. Or maybe I will just have to trim the trees and learn to live in peace with it. I don't know where all of this is coming from but hopefully I will get some release some time soon before I explode. :)

Green Toenails

The other night I let my 3 year old daughter paint my toenails. She chose bright green. Of course I would not have chosen that color myself; I humored her to make her happy. She was so excited that I was letting her paint my toenails. As for me, I was slightly annoyed because I knew she would get polish all over my toes. Of course she did! Halfway through I started to get even more irritated about the polish being on my toes. But then I stopped and really watched her. Holding the brush in her hand, with a huge smile on her face, she was slowly moving the brush over my nail with more focus than I normally see from her. She was so careful not to spill the polish and was trying her hardest to stay on the nail. The whole time she was saying "Mommy you are going to love it. It is going to be so pretty!" I couldn't help but be ashamed of my attitude towards something that made my baby girl so happy. Watching her have so much fun with something so simple reminded me that she is only a little girl for so long and I should enjoy these moments. Besides, polish comes off and I will forever have a wonderful memory that I can tell her about when she is older.

Originally I had planned to take the polish off as soon as she went to bed. I never got around to it because I was too tired and just went to bed. Today I checked my twitter page. I don't do so often because I only have two followers and mostly use it to follow random celebrities; one of which is Joyce Meyer, a Christian pastor. Today her tweet read "Love is a decision, and it’s a decision of how we’ll treat other people." It made me think about my initial reaction of irritation to having my toenails painted by a three year old. I love my son and daughter more than anything in the world. How could I be so annoyed by something that causes her great joy and is as simple as some nail polish? Already my daughter has lost the last traces of her "baby fat" and her face is slowly morphing into the woman she will one day be. Every now and again I get a glimpse of her and think to myself "She is going to be a beautiful woman someday." For now she is my wonderful little girl who loves to laugh and loves everyone. She is yet to be spoiled by the evils in this world. 

Needless to say, my toenails are still green. I will leave them that way until it is time to put another coat on and then I will have my new nail tech do them again. And this time I won't be annoyed by the polish on my toes, which will wash off the next time I take a shower. This brings me to the point of this entry which is: "Love is a decision, and it’s a decision of how we’ll treat other people." So go out there and love everyone you see because life is too short to be annoyed by the little things.